


Pink Yaksha Sounds Like a Scam, Anyways!

by Fruits_Punch_Samurai_G



Category: Gintama
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Smut, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2017-04-06
Packaged: 2018-10-14 12:29:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10536498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fruits_Punch_Samurai_G/pseuds/Fruits_Punch_Samurai_G
Summary: That damn Perm-Head and I went back to the perverted dentist for surgery to get those middle-aged women off our crotches and to get all of our nether parts back. I never expected that I'd see Yorozuya's other head standing tall, but I guess it was a natural reaction from having it reattached? But why can't I get the thought of it off my mind?!*This is set after episode 175 / ch. 263-264. If you haven’t gotten that far yet, I wouldn’t really consider this story a spoiler because it was just a one-shot episode (nothing to do with the vague plot of Gintama haha). I have a summary of the ep included!Explicit content ~!





	1. Finally, Escape from Salad-Baa

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic ~ I hope you like it!
> 
> As a quick recap of the episode: Gin-san goes to the dentist, which he’s deathly afraid of, and runs into Hijikata-san there. Hasegawa-san is being operated on as well and he comes out with his body modified, and both Gin and Hijikata are terrified, but since the other doesn’t back down neither of them leave. Gin and Hijikata end up staying for their operations (which happened in the same room on operating tables next to each other) and ended up with their teeth fixed and middle-aged women attached to their crotches.
> 
> ***Since this is set from Hijikata-san’s POV, I call Gin-san “Yorozuya,” “Natural-Perm,” “Perm-head,” and “Odd Jobs” (sorry if the last one is redundant).

All my problems started when I got a glimpse of the Yorozuya’s junk.  
  
We’d returned to the dentist to get our lower halves returned to normal after having our teeth treated for the price of getting middle aged women attached to our bodies where our dicks used to be. For some reason they had me and that guy on operating tables next each other. If anything, they could have put a curtain there, right?  
  
The only thing on my mind at that time was getting all of my parts back. I was annoyed at the Yorozuya for getting me into that ridiculous situation in the first place, but more than anything, I hated the looks of disdain that Okita - and even the gorilla - were giving me. It wasn’t my choice to have a wailing Salad-Baa (old lady salad) sticking out of me at attention everyday!  
  
While I was reclined onto the cold steel of the operating table, Battle Fairy Shazzan got to work on my lower half. Nakayama-san started on the Yorozuya at the same time, and his whispers of “careful, careful,” mixed in with the buzzing of the battle girls’ saws and the wailing of the middle aged women. That bastard was sweating despite all the painkillers we were under; I swear the only thing he cares about are his kintama. Not that I wasn’t sweating too, but that’s besides the point.  
  
My problems started when they brought back our missing parts and attached them back onto our bodies. The middle aged ladies were dumped in a corner, now looking like nothing more than scrap metal, and it was more quiet now that the electric saws were off. I was engrossed watching my surgery, sweating and worrying about my own balls, when the Yorozuya shrieked.  
  
I couldn’t help but look over; it’s a reflex when you hear someone screaming at the top of their lungs. On the other operating table, the Yorozuya was staring at his waist in horror, where there seemed to be something red. Was it blood?  
  
No, it was something much more embarrassing. The Yorozuya’s cock, already re-attached, was hard as a rock and much more colorful than the pale thing being attached back onto me. Before I had a chance to fully comprehend what was going on, the Yorozuya had started yelling at the dentist.  
  
“What the hell is this? Why is it hard?? It shouldn’t be like this right after you put it back on, come on! It won’t be like this forever, right???” His distressed yells hadn’t faded before he seemed to remember me and glance over. A slight blush reached his ears and he tried to cover himself with his hands.  
  
“You’d better not look, bastard,” he growled at me, ears now flaming red.  
  
I’d never seen the Yorozuya blush before, and I couldn’t help heat from rising to my face as well. I looked away quickly and stuttered, “O-of c-course n-n-not, you d-damn yorozuya. W-who would want to look at that dirty thing, anyways?”  
  
“What are you calling a dirty thing, you bastard?” he retorted, but at a murmur instead of his usual shout. I looked over at him again in surprise. He was glaring at the ground in the opposite direction, his hands only partially covering his raging boner, and his ears were still the color of tomatoes. _Wh-whoa._  
  
“Oh, that’s probably just the result of having the blood start flowing into your parts again. It will go down naturally and resume normal functionality in no time,” the ugly dentist explained to us from where he was watching. “See? It’s happening to Hijikata-san as well.”  
  
Everyone’s eyes turned to my crotch, which was now done being operated on. I was starting to get hard, but it was nowhere near on the level of the Yorozuya, who looked like he was ready to blow at any moment.  
  
“What kind of joke is this?? You call that hard?” the Yorozuya yelled at the dentist. I felt some satisfaction that I wasn’t as bad as that bastard, but I still covered myself as best I could. This was damn mortifying.  
  
“I feel like all the blood vessels in my dick are about to burst! Will it really be okay?!” I looked back at him, and he’d moved his hands to gesture at the doctor. As I watched, a bead of precum formed and shivered with the force of his yells. Heat seemed to spread down to my groins and I felt my dick twitch from where I was trying to cover it. It was growing. Why the hell was i reacting after seeing that bastard hard?  
  
Battle Fairy Shazzan handed me my briefs and pants and I put them on hastily. I didn’t need that Yorozuya scum to see me and get the wrong idea.  
  
“You’ll be fine, you’ll be fine. If you want, Nakayama-san or Battle Fairy Shazzan can help you out in the back room,” the Dentist suggested with a smirk.  
  
“Ugh, I’d rather commit seppuku,” he said, snatching his strawberry-covered pink boxers from the floor and pulling them on. They couldn’t fully contain his hard cock, so he pulled on his black pants and yukata over it. If he moved in a certain way, the rock-hard outline of his dick was still visible, despite his best effort to adjust. I couldn’t stop myself from sneaking glances at it as we collected our things and left the operating room.  
  
Natural-Perm and I happened to leave the building at the same time, and walked in silence for a block. The Yorozuya still had pink ears, and i couldn’t think of anything to say to smooth over the situation. We walked with our eyes averted in opposite directions. I lit up a cigarette, hands in my pockets.  
  
At the end of the block, we paused. I was going in the direction of the barracks, and the Yorozuya was going back to Odd Jobs.  
  
“Umm...are you sure you’re going to be okay?” I asked the air a few feet from odd jobs.  
  
“I’ve got plenty of DVDs waiting for me at home, so I should be fine,” he answered while rubbing his neck. We made eye contact for a moment and both looked away quickly.  
  
“W-well then.” I hated myself for stuttering.  
  
“Yup.” Yorozuya nodded, then turned on his heel and ambled off. I watched him walk for a while, then started in the other direction. People walked obliviously along, doing errands or rushing somewhere for work. Halfway down the next block I looked around again, and Yorozuya had started sprinting in the opposite direction, his usual lazy facade cracking.  
  
I couldn’t help a chuckle. Trying to look like he’s keeping his cool, the bastard. No one could keep their cool with their dick that hard.  
  
The thought of what he’d be doing in a moment rose to my mind, and my face colored again. That throbbing cock, precum dripping down, and Yorozuya, pink at the ears, ready to climax - no, no, no. What was I thinking?  
  
I shook my head, pulled out mayo for a whiff to clear my head, then started on my way again.


	2. If You Want Strawberry Milk That Badly, Don't Put Schnapps in it!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I ran into that perm-headed bastard while trying to have a quiet drink on my day off. We drank too much, but why am I stuck taking care of Yorozuya?

After that day, whenever I was on patrol around town, I’d see Yorozuya slacking off somewhere. I couldn’t dispel the image of his hard-on out of my mind, but he always acted like normal when I saw him. We were squabbling again in no time. However, each time I saw him I felt even more tense. Why the hell couldn’t he get out of my head? Damn annoying.

The Gorilla forced me to take Sunday off, saying I needed a break. Sougo said I was being even more uptight than usual and was getting on everyone’s nerves. I stormed out of the barracks on Saturday afternoon, determined to prove to them that I could have a good time.

I wandered aimlessly for a couple hours, getting more and more irritated, and ended up sitting at a random bar downtown. It was quiet with barely any customers, the bartender was pleasantly meek, and the atmosphere was calm. It steadied my mood, and I sipped on sake with contentment.

Someone walked into the bar behind me. “Master, can I get my usual?”

The voice was irritatingly familiar. I heard someone settling at a stool one down from me and the bartender started to make the drink, but I avoided the urge to move my eyes from my sake cup. That could only mean trouble.

“Ah, Mayo-san, you come to this bar too?”

I finally looked up, and as I had suspected, Natural-Perm was sitting near me with that dead look in his eyes.

“No, this is my first time. I like it though.” Wait, did that make it sound like I was too friendly with Odd Jobs? “W-well, I liked it before you arrived.”

“How cold, Mayo-san,” Yorozuya said, calm - he wasn’t taking the bait. The bartender finished his drink and handed it over. It was a creamy pink, with a strawberry attached to the rim of the glass.

“What is that?” I asked, curious. I’d never seen a pink drink before.

“Master made it just for me,” Perm-Head replied proudly. “It’s strawberry milk, butterscotch schnapps, and a dash of grenadine.”

“I named it the Pink Yaksha, after -” the bartender started, but Yorozuya cut him off with a forced laugh. Pink yaksha? Why did that sound somewhat familiar...

“Ah ha ha, Mayo-san, want to try it? It’s really good.”

“I’m alright. It sounds a little too sweet for me,” I replied, trying to be polite for the bartender’s sake. How could he drink that? It sounded wayyy too sweet. He was gonna get diabetes. “Take it easy on the sweets though. Didn’t we just get back from a shitty trip to the dentist?”

Yorozuya’s expression soured and he shot back the rest of his pink drink in one go. “Don’t bring that up, idiot!” The harshness in his tone was belied by the growing pink glow to his ears. Was it the alcohol, or was the bastard thinking about what I thought he was thinking about…

Embarrassed that I’d brought up a taboo subject without realizing it, I shot back the rest of my sake and poured myself more, drinking that as well. I could feel heat rising to my cheeks - from the alcohol and from the damn Yorozuya.

The Yorozuya who sat stoically in his bar stool, who seemed like he didn’t have a care in the world, who’s dead-fish eyes had been wide with shock when he’d seen his hard cock -

I shook my head and downed another shot of sake. How much had I had at this point? I couldn’t remember very well. Yorozuya was almost done with his next drink as well.

“Why are you here, anyways?” Perm-head demanded suddenly. “Usually all you do is work, work, work. Zura will be there whether you chase after him or not, you know?”

“Gorill- Kondo-san made me take a day off tomorrow.” I pleaded with Yorozuya in my mind to leave. I’d give him 300 yen! I just wanted to get a drink in peace!

Yorozuya grunted and drank some more. Somehow, we were arguing less than normal tonight. It made me feel a little uncomfortable, and I drank more sake to cover for the quietness.

We exchanged a few more words, and an hour later, we were both piss drunk. The master kicked us out when we started yelling at each other about the merits of mayo versus parfaits. I ended up having to pay for Yorozuya’s drinks and had to drag him all the way back to his apartment because he was too drunk to walk in a straight line on his own.

We almost walked by Yamazaki on our way to his apartment, and I darted in an alleyway to avoid his notice. Why the hell was I hiding the fact that I was with the Yorozuya? Perm-head was too drunk to notice, except for a mumble about compostable trash and JUMP, and I got him back up to his apartment without any problems.

There didn’t seem to be anyone there when we arrived. I called out for the little red-head, and glasses-kun, but they were nowhere to be found. Yorozuya watched me search for them from the couch, his head resting on his hand and eyes half-open. I finally gave up and pulled out his futon for him.

Somehow, I was less annoyed than I thought I would be. I was more interested to get a peek into Gin-san’s daily life, to see what pattern his comforter had, to test the thickness of his futon...

Yorozuya slid into his room from the living room. “You don’t have to do this, Mayo-kun. I can just sleep on the couch.” As he said that, he started taking off his shoes, then shrugging out of his yukata, then stripping off his shirt and reaching for his fly.

I realized my heart was pounding and I turned away from him. Why the hell was my heart beating after seeing the flat chest of a male perm-head? W-well, it wasn’t really flat with all those muscles, and his nipples were p-p-pink, just like the strawberry milk he was so obsessed with, and his V-cuts were leading my eyes down to the bulge of his junk again...

I was hard. How did that happen so quickly?? It was just because I hadn’t had a chance to masturbate, since I’d been working double shifts all week. That was it. Not that I’d been working double shifts to avoid remembering the damn Perm-head in a sexual way, or anything. Ugh, this was all the fault of that perverted dentist.

Yorozuya was still changing behind me, so I tried to wander back into the living room without him noticing. Of course, I had no such luck.

“Mayo-kun, where are you going?” Yorozuya slurred, then I heard a thud from behind me. I turned to see Yorozuya rolling on the ground next to his futon, his pants twisted around his legs. His stupid pink boxers were on the verge of coming off along with his pants, his happy trail and thicker hair below visible. It was silver. He struggled to get the pants off for another few moments, then looked at me pleadingly.

Seeing him in this compromising position had somehow made the problem in own pants worse. I approached him hesitantly and took over the task of undressing the Perm-head.

“Ach-Ach-Ach!” he said with a pained expression, watching me get to work while he propped himself up to watch on his elbows. “Your hands are so hot! They feel like furnaces! Get those pants off quick, so I can cool down!”

“It would really help if you stopped moving, you know,” I growled back at him. He stopped most of his squirming compliantly. Seeing him flushed from the alcohol reminded me of the last time I’d seen him red like that, and I couldn’t help my breath from coming faster now that I was touching him directly. The flush from his ears and neck spread all the way to his pale chest. I finished my job quickly, hoping for a chance to calm down.

With his pants finally off, Yorozuya lunged back up to standing and started searching his closet for his sleeping yukata, still in his boxers. I admired his back and ass for a moment before catching myself and forcing my head in a different direction.

“Hey, you’re not planning on going to bed like this are you? You should drink some water and brush your teeth before going to sleep,” I said gruffly. “You don’t want to have to go to the dentist again, do you?”

  
Yorozuya spun around, yukata in hand, and pointed a finger accusatorily at me. “You! Why do you keep bringing that up! The wounds in my pride from that day still haven’t healed!” He stalked towards me, and before I could react, had shoved me in the chest. I stumbled and fell onto the foot of the futon. “You should experience the same shame that I did!”

“What are you saying? I was there, we already went through the same thing!”  Yorozuya was staring down at me, feet planted solidly in the ground, wearing the expression of a petulant child.

“No! You only had to suffer through that day at half-mast! I spent the next three hours sailing full-mast, no matter what I did! And you got to see it! The only ones who’ve ever seen me that hard have been ladies of the night from Yoshiwara giving me blow-jobs!” His head tilted up even more, and I could tell an unreasonable demand was about to leave his mouth. “Take it out and show me yourself in the same state, and then we’ll be even.”

It was even more unreasonable than I expected, and the shock of his demand induced a rapid spread of heat to my cheeks. “Wh-what? Yorozuya, you’ve got to be kidding me,” I said, eyes shifting around the room but returning to his petulant face. “Th-there’s no way I can do that.”

“Oh? Are you saying you can’t even get hard in my presence?” he asked, leering down at me. “If that’s the case then I’ll just crush your balls instead,” he said, his foot moving towards my groin.

“W-wait, you bastard!” I scooted backwards reflexively, letting my crotch be exposed for the first time since Yorozuya had started changing. “I-I just d-don’t see why this is really necessary, it’s not my fault that I saw you that day-”

Natural-Perm cut off my mumbling by poking out a foot and shoving my legs apart. “What’s this?” he asked, a devilish grin spreading over his face. He was staring at the prominent tent in my black slacks. “You’re already hard?”

He gazed at me, smirking, waiting for a reply. I couldn’t think of a good response, instead feeling my face steadily grow warmer and my last shred of confidence going down the drain.

“You don’t have a good explanation?” This time instead of answering, I glared back at him defiantly. “Oho, I like that look in your eye.  Well, we may be even pretty soon, judging by down here,” Yorozuya continued, his foot moving from where it had shoved my leg open and down the inside of my thigh. Even through my pants, the sensation sent waves of pleasure down my leg and into my cock. I swallowed and watched petrified as his foot slid closer and closer to my groin.

His foot paused just before reaching my boner and started making little circular motions on my inner thigh. I let out a breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding, then looked back at Yorozuya. His eyes were narrowed, gleaming sadistically.

“Your reactions are good,” he said, planting his foot back down on the floor. That was when I wondered how he could have balanced for so long on one foot while he was drunk. Was he not as drunk as I thought he was…?

“Are you going to show me, or not?” There was a tone of challenge in his voice.

I could get up and run. I could punch him and go back to the barracks with my dignity intact. But another part of me was throbbing with anticipation, and even if I didn’t like it or understand it, that part was becoming impossible to ignore.

Hands shaking a little, I began to unbuckle my belt. There was a click of the tongue from above me, then my legs were being pulled over Yorozuya’s, which he spread on either side of me, almost like I was sitting in his lap but with my ass still on the floor. I glanced up in surprise, the contact spreading more heat to my body, and then Yorozuya pushed my hands aside. He licked his lower lip. “You’re taking too long,” he murmured.

Perm-head unbuckled my belt and pulled down my briefs in an instant. Before I was mentally prepared for it, my hard cock was exposed to the air of the room and the critical eye of Yorozuya.

“Heh,” he smirked, staring down at my crotch. My tip was already damp, and I was rock hard. “Well? Aren’t you going to make it the same as mine was?”

“B-bastard, aren’t we even now? C’mon, g-give me a break,” I replied, trying to scoot backwards. Besides, I was basically as bad as he’d been that day. But Yorozuya grabbed my hips to keep me in place, his ears and chest flushed.

“If you aren’t going to do it, then I will,” Yorozuya said. Sadistic interest was practically glowing from his eyes. My heart felt like a hammer in my ears, and all I could do was watch as he reached down towards my dick.

Yorozuya placed a gentle finger to my urethra, but even this light touch made me throb. He rubbed a little, then pulled his finger away. A silvery thread of precum followed his finger away from my tip.

“You’re already this wet.” He licked his lips again, then reached back down and spread out my precum to use as lube.

As he got to work rubbing my shaft, I couldn’t help a low moan from escaping. Yorozuya’s hand felt incredibly warm, and he really knew how to squeeze and tease in all the right places. Even the calluses on his palm from wielding a sword were creating a gratifying friction...

The pleasure began to build up dangerously and I tried to push Yorozuya away again. Even though we’d already gone this far, I would probably die of shame if Perm-head made me cum. Especially this fast.

“Yorozuya, let go. Isn’t this enough al-alre-ahhhh-” my voice cut off and turned into sharp exhale as Yorozuya slid his thumb all the way up my shaft and massaged the underside of my head. I tried to think of space, baseball, anything other than the sensation of his hand on my cock.

“What’s wrong, _Demon Vice-Commander_?” Yorozuya said my nickname mockingly, but his breath was coming faster too. “What would your men think if they saw you like this, messy and desperate, with another man dominating you?” His silver hair glinted faintly from the light filtering in from the living room. Pink nipples stood dark against his pale skin, his well-formed abs led my eyes further down to his happy trail, and his stupid pink boxers that were tenting up…

When my mind processed what that meant, I broke out into a laugh. “What’s with you acting all high and mighty, when you’re getting like this over a man as well?” I reached over and tugged Yorozuya’s boxers down. A lively boner sprung out, tip glinting with moisture.

Natural-Perm started, his hand stopping and grip on my cock loosening. “S-Shut up! This is just because I happened to get a peek of some of my AVs while I was getting my yukata…My collection is in my closet...” he explained with shifty eyes.

“Oh? So that means nothing will happen if the _Demon Vice-Commander_ touches you?” I taunted, running a knuckle along the length of his shaft. He shivered and his grip tightened again.

“Ha, ha, ha, about that,” he laughed placatingly, wide eyes following my hand. “I think I’ve seen enough for today, let’s call this even, why don’t you just go back to your house full of g-gorillas…” His sentence trailed off and his eyelids fluttered shut as I began to massage the base of his penis. Despite his words, he was getting harder by the moment. It felt sweet indeed to have the tables turn on this Natural-Perm bastard.

“You’ve taken things this far, and expect me to let you off? Haven’t you been obstructing an officer’s duties all night?” My voice was a growl, and I traced a finger over the tip of Yorozuya’s cock. As my fingers became slick with precum, I began stroking his whole length lightly. He groaned and his shaft quivered. _Here is again. Yorozuya’s…rock hard and flushed, wet…_

“H-hey, you’re off-duty tonight, aren’t you?” He asked. I smirked in response. Yorozuya made a face, pulled closer to me, and started moving his hand on my cock again. “Damn Mayo-sniffing bastard, I’ll at least make you cum before I do…” he muttered under his breath.

It was all too much for me. The sensation of his warm hand pumping my length, the sound of Yorozuya’s harsh breaths, seeing and feeling him get more and more aroused in my palm. The lazy, expressionless, loud-mouth bastard was melting to my touch, and I’d never been more turned on in my life.

“Ah, Yorozuya, I’m gonna…” I breathed, resting a head on his shoulder. I stroked him desperately, still hoping he might cum before I did.

I was surprised by his own breathless reply, “Nnnnn, me too, Hiji-ka-ahhh...”

The feelings of pleasure radiating off my lower half into the rest of my  body were increasing in intensity by the second. I turned my head into Yorozuya’s neck, panting. As the feelings of pleasure turned to ecstasy, I moaned into his neck and tensed up, thrusting forcefully into Yorozuya’s hand.

A moment later he tensed up too, and I did all I could to keep my palm in place for him, despite my loss of reason. We rode out our orgasms, clutching each other desperately. It felt like a burning tide was spinning us out to sea...

I pulled away from him as the waves of ecstasy died down.

Yorozuya somehow had cum dripping down his face and chest, and my white button-down shirt wasn’t in better shape. Perm-head’s naturally wavy hair was damp with perspiration, and his breaths started to even out a little after mine. He looked at me with glinting red eyes and smiled toothily. My heart beat, which had been slowing down, sped up again.

Yorozuya flopped onto his futon and directed a sleepy smile towards me. “You gave me a facial, Hijikata-kun. How naughty.” His eyes dropped shut.

“Hey, hey, you’re still covered in cum, you know? Do you really want to sleep like this?” I asked him softly. I tried to think of the last time he’d called me by my name - had he ever? Yorozuya looked so defenseless lying there on his futon. His hair spread around him like fur, and I couldn’t resist the urge to run my fingers through it. The strands were soft.

“S’fine,” Yorozuya muttered, eyes still closed. He rubbed his head into my hand. “Later…” and with that, he fell asleep.

I sat for a moment watching him, then went to the bathroom. I did what I could for my shirt, then began wiping Yorozuya down with tissues.

Touching his body so freely, I began to get excited again. What was happening to me?

“Bastard,” I whispered, an unfamiliar feeling running through my chest. A mix of resentment, desire, protectiveness, respect, and something else…

I quickly finished the task of cleaning him up and retrieved my jacket from the living room. I got one last glimpse of Yorozuya spread out on his futon, sleeping peacefully, before sliding shut the doors to his room and leaving the apartment.

If that bastard got robbed in the night because he didn’t lock his door, it had nothing to do with me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant for this chapter to be much shorter, but I wanted to get some action in there and it's hard for me to do without enough lead-in. Hope you all enjoyed! I'm planning to continue this story, but I wonder how they'll react when they see each other after doing all this ~? I guess we'll see!


End file.
